--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This file has been provided by "The Annals of Improbable Research"
and is the responsibility of that organization.  All questions regarding
this material should be sent directly to their indicated addresses below,
not to Vortex Technology.  Thank you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------


================================================================
The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR")
Issue Number 1996-02
February, 1996
ISSN 1076-500X
Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the
----------------------------------------------------------------
A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in
	The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR),
	the journal of inflated research and personalities
================================================================

-----------------------------
1996-02-01	TABLE OF CONTENTS

1996-02-01	Table of Contents
1996-02-02	mini-Housekeeping Items
1996-02-03	Alluring Abstracts from AIR 2:2
1996-02-04	Mastodon, Mom, Babe -- the Tale Continues
1996-02-05	Paranormal Spoon Incident
1996-02-06	PGP-Y
1996-02-07	Association for the Advancement of Improbable Research
1996-02-08	Mouse Paper
1996-02-09	Valentines Bust
1996-02-10	AIRhead Project 2000
1996-02-11	May We Recommend...
1996-02-12	AIRhead Events
1996-02-13	How to Subscribe to AIR(*)
1996-02-14	How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*)
1996-02-15	The Ig Nobel Video(*)
1996-02-16	Our Address (*)
1996-02-17	Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*)

		Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue.


------------------------------------------------------------
1996-02-02	mini-Housekeeping Items

1. FLIGHT: If you plan to attend the special AIR seminar Sunday 
night, Feb 11 at the AAAS annual meeting in Baltimore, please 
don't forget to bring paper airplanes.

2. STUDMUFFINS: The Studmuffins of Science Project hereby 
officially announces that it is accepting self-nominations for 
inclusion in next year's calendar. Please send your qualifications 
to scistuds@aol.com

4. CALIFORNIA: If you would like to host an AIR event in 
California in April, please get in touch with us at 
marca@wilson.harvard.edu SOON!

5. SCAN: Do you have a scanner, live near Cambridge and want to be 
an AIR volunteer? Call us!

6. MUNCH: Nominations are coming in apace for our Global Village 
Deli project. Keep em coming, please.

6. WONDER: Yes, AIRheads are available to show to the '95 Ig Nobel 
Prize Ceremony video (1 hour long) at Boston area schools and 
research, medical or technical facilities.

7. SAINT: Our apologies and gratitude to the understanding UMass 
Boston faculty member whose telephone number was mistakenly 
printed (via a transposition of digits) on the AIR subscription 
renewal notices. The correct number is 617-491-4437.


----------------------------------------------------------
1996-02-03	Alluring Abstracts from AIR 2:2

AIR is a subversively educational print journal. The articles in 
AIR are longer, more visual, and more xeroxible than the tiny 
tidbits we publish in mini-AIR. Your career and personal life will 
benefit from it when you subscribe, no doubt.

AIR vol. 2, no. 2, the March/April 1996 issue, will be our annual 
Swimsuit Issue. In addition to the kinds of photographs you might 
expect (and the perky, cool narrative accompanying them), the 
issue also contains many less delights with a less intellectual 
cast. A few of the highlights:

"In Search of the Holy Grail," by Steve Nadis. The author examines 
some of the many Holy Grails that have been described in phsysics, 
chemistry, biology, medicine, etc., etc., etc. The result is a 
study in ubiquity. Prior to this report, the Grail was believed to 
be a unique item. 

"Biblio-Obesity," by Erika Love. The author examines the 
relationship between (a) the weight of medical textbooks for 
various specialties and (b) the projected incomes associated with 
each specialty.

NOBEL INTERVIEW: William Lipscomb discusses boron atoms and the 
method of Sherlock Holmes.


------------------------------------------------------------
1996-02-04	Mastodon, Mom, Babe -- the Tale Continues

Last month we presented the first two chapters in the stirring 
tale of the mastodon, the mother and her babe. Reader Nancy White 
began the story, and AIR editorial board member Miriam Bloom 
composed the sequel. Since then, others have taken up pen and 
pressed down keyboard to continue the tale. Here are several of 
their efforts cobbled together. When last we left the hunting 
ground, mom had just mistakenly slungshot her babe at the massive, 
hairy beast of prey...

The babe that went flying turned calm
Despite flying flung far from her mom.
 But she wasn't in trance,
 Was just loading her pants,
To besmirch the big beast with a bomb!
 --Spencer Wright

To the mastodons mouth, the babe flew,
and in its surprise it then threw-
 up, as babes often will,
 Its whole dinner, like swill,
and this made the poor mastodon spew.
	--Peter Thorp

The poor airborne infant crash landed
'Tween the tusks of the mastodon, stranded.
 The hunters soon tracked her
 But failed to extract 'er
(This Pleisotcene group was short-handed).
	--Heather M. Hewitt

The beast with the baby embedded
Must therefore be quickly beheaded.
 But to climb o'er the trunk
 Put the group in a funk;
Lo, those tusks and the task were both dreaded!
	--Miriam Bloom

It is entirely possible that next month we will present some alternative 
histories of the babe, her mom and the mastodon.


-----------------------------------------------------------
1996-02-05	Paranormal Spoon Incident

In the last issue of mini-AIR, we offered, free of charge, to test 
any reader who wished to know if he or she has paranormal powers. 
Testees were instructed to sit in a quiet corner and mentally send 
us their names and addresses. Alas, we had to terminate the 
testing program after readers in England and Israel reported a 
rash of bent spoons and then mentally lodged police complaints 
against us. We are now engaged in extra-cognitively presenting 
evidence to demonstrate that, whatever is bent or twisted, it is 
not the spoons.


-----------------------------------------------------------
1996-02-06	PGP-Y

Our paranormal testing program has already had one commercial 
spin-off. Our engineers have developed a truly foolproof data 
security protocol. It is called PGP-Y -- "Pretty Good 
Parasychology." The mechanism is simple. You imagine that you have 
transmitted data to someone; that person then imagines that he has 
received it. Using PGP-Y, any type of information can be 
transmitted over the Internet with complete security. The key is 
that the data is transmitted high over the net -- so high that the 
data actually travels above the net rather than within it. The 
data is transmitted telepathically (and for those who distrust 
electronic funds, we also have a scheme for transmitting cash and 
gold plate telekinetically.)


-----------------------------------------------------------
1996-02-07	Association for the Advancement of Improbable Research

A name has been chosen for the council of improbable researchers. 
Readers sent in over a hundred possible monikers (or, as one 
reader called them, "minikers"). The organization's official name 
is, and henceforth shall be, The Association for the Advancement 
of Improbable Research. The short version is AAIR. 

AAIR will (perhaps) have Official Members in every laboratory, 
department and broom closet on earth. They will have shadowy 
duties and will be very important. Beginning next month we will 
ask members to inform us of their presence, and we will compile a 
directory in Hot AIR, our trendoid home page. 

This month we are soliciting a brave long-term volunteer who has 
good, perhaps even anal, organizational skills and a modicum of 
free time. The position in question is that of Secretary General 
of the Association for the Advancement of Improbable Research. 
This stalwart person, if chosen from the many who are expected to 
apply for this nearly thankless yet unmeasurably glorious post, 
will coordinate the AAIR membership list, disseminate special 
missives to the members on occasion, and listen patiently to the 
personal problems of AAIR members. All coordination will be done 
electronically over the Internet, a futuristic communications 
network of networks that, we are told, will one day revolutionize 
something or other.


-------------------------------------------------------------
1996-02-08	Mouse Paper

Following the release of our Mouse Report in mini-AIR 1995-14, the 
commodities markets have run wild. Five-year study demonstrated 
that the best item to use as a computer mouse pad is a pad of 
paper. (Traditionally, computer mouse pads have been made from 
plastic or rubber.) During the past two months, as a result of our 
report, several of the major paper companies have raised their 
prices on mouse-quality paper. We will continue to report the 
details of this exciting story.


-------------------------------------------------------------
1996-02-09	Valentines Bust

Just in time for your Valentine's Day dining pleasure, a gentleman 
named Dr. Blanton Cantellier of L'Institute d'Amour de Paris has 
developed a new method for slicing artichoke hearts into neat, 
tidy pieces without in any way peeling or cutting away the outer 
portions of the artichokes. Details were unavailable as mini-AIR 
went to press, but rest assured: we will continue to report on 
this heart breaking story.


-------------------------------------------------------------
1996-02-10	AIRhead Project 2000

As announced in mini-AIR 1994-02-03 (June, 1994), we are compiling 
a list of studies, projects, and products that involve the number 
two thousand. The following items were randomly selected:

ITEM #6246 (submitted by investigator Richard W. Lipp)
"Vision 2000," A program of long range planning and growth for the 
United Methodist Church.

ITEM #12707 (Thanks to investigator Tim Becker for bringing this 
and the following item to our attention)
"Kebab House 2000," a Turkish diner in Cologne, Germany.

ITEM #64093 
"Make it Funky 2000," a song from James Brown's album "Universal 
James."


-----------------------------------------------------------
1996-02-11	May We Recommend...

Research reports that merit a trip to the library.
(These items are additional to the many which appear in AIR 
itself.)

"This dead parrot is difunto," J. Hooper, "Australian Veterinary 
Journal," vol. 69, no. 1, 1992, pp. 24 ff. (Thanks to investigator Wendy 
Cooper for bringing this and the next citation to our attention.)

"The surgeon and the worm," P.E Sauer, C.E. Murdock Jr, J.H. Erwin 
and H.S.J.Walker, "Archives of Surgery," vol. 97, no. 4, 1968, pp. 
595-600.

"On the problem of oscillatory walk of automatic washing 
machines," D.C. Conrad, W.L. Cleghorn, and R.G. Fenton, "Journal 
of Sound and Vibration," vol. 188, no. 3, Dec. 7, 1995, p. 301. 
(Thanks to investigator David J. Goldfarb for bringing this to our 
attention.)

[Correction: last month we reported an incorrect journal title. 
The correct citation is: "Survey of quality of used frying oils 
from restaurants," Hassan A. Al-Kahtani, "Journal of the American 
Oil Chemists Society," vol. 68, no. 11, Nov. 1991, pp. 857-62. 
Thanks to investigator J. White and to AIR lead researcher Michael 
Rissinger for rectifying the error.]

------------------------------------------------------------
1996-02-12	AIRhead Events

[The most current version of this list can always be obtained
by sending e-mail to INFO@IMPROB.COM]

If you would like to host an improbable research event, show 
please send e-mail to marca@wilson.harvard.edu.

AAAS ANNUAL MEETING, Baltimore	Sun evening, Feb 11
7:45pm-9:30pm, Constellation Ballroom F, Hyatt, 2nd floor
Several of AIR's most distinguished authors will present their 
research on:
  "The Taxonomy of Barney" (Earle Spamer)
  "Analysis of DNA Cologne" (Jon Marks)
  "Studmuffins of Science" (Karen Hopkin)
  "Risk Assessment of Abduction by Aliens" (Len Finegold)
  "The Ig Nobel Prizes" (Marc Abrahams)
and other topics, at a special evening session of the world's 
largest science meeting.

FOLIO CONFERENCE, Los Angeles				April 24, 1996
"Camshafts, Cindy Crawford and Beer: How to Make a Dull Topic 
Interesting." The session is open only to conference registerees.

==>	PLEASE NOTE: Anyone in the LA or SF areas who would like 
	to host other AIRhead events during late April please 
	e-mail marca@wilson.harvard.edu soon!

MIT CLUB, Schenectady, NY	June (exact date to be announced)
This is the event that was snowed out in December. Current odds 
are 6-1 against another snowstorm, 2-1 against torrential rain.
For info: Wendy Gilman (gilmanw@sysadm.suny.edu) (518) 443-5180

1996 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY, Harvard University	Thurs Oct 3
Tickets will go on sale in September

>From time to time AIRhead news reports and commentary appear on 
ABC Television's "World News Now" and Public Radio's "Living on 
Earth."


--------------------------------------
1996-02-13	How to Subscribe to AIR(*)
Visa, Mastercard or Discover cards) to:
	The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)
	PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA
	617-491-4437 FAX: 617-661-0927
	air@improb.com


-----------------------------------------------------
1996-02-14	How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*)

mini-AIR is an monthly electronic newsletter of overflow tidbits 
from The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). It is available over 
the Internet, free of charge. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail 
message to:
	LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU
The body of your message should contain ONLY the words
	SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE
(You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.)
				---------------------------------------
To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR
To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR
To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying 
which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 
950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706

::::: AIR extracts on USENET
The USENET newsgroup clari.feature.imprb_research presents a 
syndicated weekly column of reports extracted from The Annals of 
Improbable Research. 
[NOTE: This is available only if your Internet site subscribes to 
the Clarinet newsgroups.]
[ANOTHER NOTE: If you would like to have the print version of the 
column appear in your campus newspaper, please e-mail 
marca@wilson.harvard.edu]


-----------------------------------------------------
1996-02-15	The Ig Nobel Video(*)

The hour-long improbable video of the 1995 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony 
is available (in standard US home video format only). Yes, it is 
magnificent, and technically flawed in memorable ways. The price 
is $19.95. Please add $5 shipping handling in the US, $10 in other 
countries. (Massachusetts residents please add 5% sales tax.)


---------------------------
1996-02-16	Our Address (*)

The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)
PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA
617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927

EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu
GENERAL INFO (supplied automatically): info@improb.com
SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com

URL: http://www.improb.com/

We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. 
If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a 
SASE in all printed correspondence.


---------------------------
1996-02-17	Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*)

Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever 
appropriate. The only limitations are:
A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR.
B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes.

------------------------------------------------------------
(c) copyright 1996, The Annals of Improbable Research
------------------------------------------------------------

-------------
mini-AIRheads
-------------
EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu)
WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin 
(ringo@leland.stanford.edu) http:/www.improb.com/
COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu)
ASSOCIATIVE EDITORS: Mark Dionne, Jane Patrick
CO-CONSPIRATORS: Michael Rissinger, Steve Anderson, Gary Dryfoos, 
Greg Kinney, Deb Kreuze, Nicki Sorel, Mark Taylor
MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto
AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon 
Glashow & William Lipscomb
============================================================