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The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR")
Issue Number 1997-06
June, 1997
ISSN 1076-500X
Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the
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A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in
The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR),
the journal of inflated research and personalities
================================================================
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1997-06-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS
1997-06-01 Table of Contents
1997-06-02 mini-Housekeeping Notes
1997-06-03 What's New in AIR
1997-06-04 On Lava Lamps
1997-06-05 Scientific Correctness: What is Reality?
1997-06-06 Equilibrial Punctuation Reaction
1997-06-07 HMO Black Kickoff Moved to July
1997-06-08 Fink Truss Fiasco
1997-06-09 Chair Enhancement Prize: Archaeology
1997-06-10 AIRhead Project 2000
1997-06-11 Love and Organic Chemistry
1997-06-12 Nattering about Neandertals
1997-06-13 Wombat 2000 Winner
1997-06-14 Wheeled Wombat
1997-06-15 May We Recommend
1997-06-16 AIRhead Events
1997-06-17 How to Subscribe to AIR (*)
1997-06-18 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*)
1997-06-19 Our Address (*)
1997-06-20 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*)
Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue.
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1997-06-02 mini-Housekeeping Notes
1. AIR is always looking for a good research/administrative intern
in the Cambridge area. If you are a good intern (non-medical
variety), we hope you will come looking for us, too.
2. Does your company, foundation, or rich relative want to help
underwrite this year's Ig Nobel Prize ceremony? If so, please do
get in touch.
3. As some of you have noticed, a column entitled "Improbable
Advances and Retreats in Computing" now appears on the back page
of Byte Magazine. It is prepared by us AIRheads, and is the
central dispersal site for Project Whacko, our ongoing campaign to
help e-junkmailers whack themselves out of existence.
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1997-06-03 What's New in AIR
Here are some alluring abstracts from the next issue of The Annals
of Improbable Research (AIR).
Volume 3, number 4 (the July/August 97 issue) of AIR is the
special Peculiar Patent Issue. The cover features a shocking photo
by Robert Richard Smith of cloning researchers and features a
shocking photo by Robert Richard Smith of cloning researchers.
Features (patent-related and otherwise) in the issue include:
"The Kokko Collection of Fine Patents." A group of designs for
remarkable devices. All were fished from the US Patent office by
patent attorney Kent S. Kokko. They include a device that allows
hotel patrons to breath through hotel toilets (in case of a smoky
fire), a high-speed centrifugal birthing device (which spins the
entire mother), and others. The illustrations are memorable.
"AIRhead Legal Review," by Howard Zaharoff. This edition of the
regular column examines patents for such seemingly unpatentable
activities as lifting and for filing, and also delves into one
firm's remarkable penchant for trademarking strange hybrid words
that include the prefix "cyber."
"NOBEL THOUGHTS: Edmond Fischer," by Marc Abrahams. In this
intense interview, Nobel laureate Fischer expounds on his
controversial views about potatoes. Despite living in Seattle, he
also bravely states, for all to see, his indifference for coffee.
"Maria Grazia Cucinotta Discovers," by Alice Shirrell Kaswell. In
this edition of the regular column, Kaswell digests and analyzes
reports from the men's science research journal "GQ." Particular
attention is paid to the research career of M.G. Cucinotta, who
"GQ" describes as
"the sultry Sicilian starlet who was in 'Il Postino,'
the chesty enchantress in the white cotton dress who
flirted with the film's titular postman by fellating
the ball from one of those tabletop soccer games."
And much, much more...
Full text and illustrations of these and many other articles and
citations appear in the May/June issue of AIR.
[mini-AIR, which you are reading at this moment, is a tiny
*supplement* to what's in the print publication. As always, we
urge you to subscribe to the real thing -- and to submit your own
research and images for publication.]
-------------------------------------------------------------
1997-06-04 On Lava Lamps
Investigator Karen Kreeger is compiling a comprehensive history of
scientific research related to lava lamps, for inclusion in a
possible book on lava lamp scientific research, for placement in a
possible new library in a possible new research institute devoted
to the topic.
In honor of this subject, and to inspire you, our staff
investigator K. Guano Reeves has composed a poem:
It's de-light-ful,
It's de-lava-ly,
It's de lamp.
If you have a lava-lamp-related citation from the scientific
literature, please send it to us at <marca@wilson.harvard.edu>.
-------------------------------------------------------------
1997-06-05 Scientific Correctness: What is Reality?
This month's Scientific Correctness Survey is inspired by the
journal "Social Text," the editors of which won last year Ig Nobel
Prize in literature for publishing physicist Alan Sokal's hoax
article which claimed that reality does not exist. (Yes, we know
that the preceding sentence is long and winding, leading, as it
does, over hill and dale, through meadow and across stream, up
mountain and down waterfall, through tunnel and down avenue, up
stairs and across corridor, into bedroom, out window, down fire
escape, and into trash can.)
SURVEY QUESTION: Does reality exist?
Please send your vote to <bourbaki@neu.edu>.
----------------------------------------------------------
1997-06-06 Equilibrial Punctuation Reaction
Last month we published a complaint from investigator David
Singmaster, who identified himself as a "Professor of Mathematics
and Metagrobologist" from Southbank University, London. Professor
Singmaster lamented that:
"Anyone who studied typing in school knows that you
put two spaces after a period in order to improve
legibility. Unfortunately, most people who now use
word processors have never studied typing!!"
Many readers begged to differ (and one beseeched to object to
Professor Singmaster's unrestrained use of exclamation marks).
Here is a sampling of the anguished reactions to the Singmaster
sigh:
Investigator Alain Bossavit:
"He's right."
Investigator Steve Feldgus:
"I hate to further nitpick an already nitpicky point, but this
kind of thing has always bugged me, and I'm not a big fan of
mathematicians anyway. Regarding this fellow's complaint: He is,
in fact, quite wrong."
Investigator Philip Schuler:
"Professor Singmaster confuses typing with typography. Consider
these guidelines from Robert Bringhurst's "The Elements of
Typographical Style" (Vancouver: Hartley and Marks; 1992), pp.28-
30:
'In the nineteenth century, which was a dark and
inflationary age in typography and type design, many
compositors were encouraged to stuff extra space between
sentences. Generations of twentieth-century typists were
then taught to do the same, by hitting the spacebar twice
after every period. Your typing as well as your
typesetting will benefit from unlearning this
quaint Victorian habit.'"
Investigator Philip Miller Tate:
"I would like to leap to the defence of your august journal in the
face of the unwarranted attack on your style from my fellow
countryperson, David Singmaster. The point is made quite clearly
in "The PC is not a typewriter", authored by your fellow
countryperson Robin Williams ((c) 1992 Peachpit Press, Berkeley,
CA), where she points out that the use of a double space after a
full stop is only necessary when using a typewriter because the
legibility of (monospaced) typewriters is generally so poor."
Investigator Garry Margolis:
"Professor Singmaster has not passed Typography 101 -- this will
be recorded in his academic transcript."
Investigator Matthew Kirkcaldie:
"Sadly, most typists haven't studied typography - the proportional
fonts that word processors print in these days have that extra
spacing built into the kern tables. Putting two spaces after a
full stop in a properly designed font is incorrect; it's only
correct in a non-proportional font like Courier (which of course
is why typists used to do it)."
Investigator David P. Spencer:
"I think it more important that most people who _design_ word
processors have never studied typing. Most, if not all, completely
misunderstand two spaces after a period."
Investigator Margetty Coe:
"As a former typesetter, I must contradict Mr. Singmaster and
exclaim that unfortunately, most people who now use word
processors have never studied typesetting! The convention of
adding an extra space after a period at the end of a sentence was
introduced ONLY because of the limitations of the typewriter. In
printing the space devoted to each letter has been attended to
with care for centuries, and it is on the basis of these
conventions that modern fonts are designed. In short, use two
spaces after a period ONLY IF YOUR ARE USING A TYPEWRITER. I am
delighted that in its use of post-period single-spacing Mini-AIR
has distinguished itself from the hordes of Mathematicians and
Metagrobologists out there who are using modern technological
devices without proper training."
Investigator Carl Maniscalco:
"I must point out that there's a very BIG difference between
TYPING and TYPESETTING. Almost nobody really types any more; what
they're really doing is creating copy to be typeset. If you plan
on having whatever you're typing into your word processor turned
into a real, printed document, please use only one space after a
period. Your friendly neighborhood Mac jockey will bless you for
it."
Investigator Steven Haddock:
"Re the matter of two spaces vs. not-two-spaces, I am looking
forward to next month's discussion: 'Anal-retentive' -- hyphenated
or not?"
Investigator Tom Hawkins:
"I expect you will receive a flood of email in response to David
Singmaster's complaint. However, I urge readers to be gentle with
Prof. Singmaster. His 'Notes on Rubik's "Magic Cube"' was one of
the formative influences of my childhood. Indeed, it may even have ehelped me get where I am today."
----------------------------------------------------------
1997-06-07 HMO Black Kickoff Moved to July
Due to, believe it or not, illness, the starkly gala press
conference to announce the founding of HMO Black has been
postponed until mid-July (date to be announced soon). HMO Black is
our revolutionary and intensely efficient new Health Maintenance
Organization based on the lovingly profitable principles of
Managed Health Care.
Reader Gunther W. Anderson writes to inquire whether HMO Sapiens
is a competitor to HMO Black. The answer is no. HMO Sapiens is a
wholly developed member of the HMO Black family.
----------------------------------------------------------
1997-06-08 Fink Truss Fiasco
Thank you to the several readers who were so inspired by
International Fink Truss Day (see last month's mini-AIR for
details) that they attempted to ship fink trusses to us. Given
that a fink truss is a symmetrical roof truss for large spans,
composed of a pair of braced isosceles triangles based on the
sloping sides of the upper chord, their apices being joined by a
horizontal tie, it is not altogether surprising that the major
shipping companies were not fully equipped to deliver the items.
It is our understanding that the gift fink trusses are now stuck
(in some cases literally) in warehouses on two continents.
----------------------------------------------------------
1997-06-09 Chair Enhancement Prize: Archaeology
This month's Chair Enhancement Prize Program is focused on the
field of: Archaeology. The campaign supplies department chair-
individuals with highly desirable cheapo Prizes which they can
bestow on especially honor-worthy faculty, students, or others.
The program is simple:
You send us the name and departmental mailing address of your
deserving department chair, and we will send her/him a copy of AIR
--and a special Certificate of Existence-- suitable for
presentation to somebody or other.
HEATED NOTE: There was an unfortunate typo in last month's chair
prize announcement:
> This month's Chair Enhancement Prize Program is focused on the
> field of: ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING. ...
> You send us the name and departmental mailing address of your
> deserving biology department's chair, and we will send
Investigator Miriam Bloom remarks, "Oh my! The biology chair is
getting the prize of the electric chair!"
Our apologies to all concerned.
-------------------------------------------------------------
1997-06-10 AIRhead Project 2000
Since June, 1994, we have been compiling a list of everything that
has 2000 as part of its name. Here are some items plucked randomly
from the collection:
ITEM PREGO-34059 (submitted by investigator Michael A. Jordan)
"Grazie 2000," a San Francisco restaurant on Columbus Ave near the
corner of Beach Blanket Babylon Blvd.
ITEM CANT-TELL-YOU-29384 (submitted by investigator Joe Heinrich)
"Origin2000," an apparently secret product from Silicon Graphics.
ITEM FREEZEDRY-012 (submitted by investigator Keith Tomazi)
"Virtis Benchmark 2000," a lyophilizer.
NOTE: Our home page (http://www.improb.com) now contains a brand
new, fully revamped, Project AIRhead 2000 section. Engineered by
Seth 2K Landsman, with parsing performed by Craig 2K Haggart, it
is available 24 hours per day as part of the much-vaunted "World
Wide Web."
-----------------------------------------------------------
1997-06-11 Love and Organic Chemistry
Science and love are inseparable. That is the theme of the AIR
Campaign for Textbook Improvement ("AIRCTI -- pronounced "AIR
kitty"). AIRCTI aims to warm the cold, emotionless textbooks of
today by adding to each a love interest.
Investigator Charles N. Horton has synthesized a love interest for
the textbook "Organic Chemistry," 4th Edition, by John McMurry
(Brooks/Cole Publishing Company, Boston, 1996). Horton mixed in
the romance of a couple named Dan and Melissa. Here are relevant,
abstracted snippets from the revised textbook:
..
CHAPTER 5: AN OVERVIEW OF ORGANIC REACTIONS
Dan was shopping for some organic bean sprouts when he bumped
into Melissa. "Oh! You like organic stuff too?" he asked. "Yes,"
she said, "and I know this great organic cafe..."
..
CHAPTER 11: REACTIONS OF ALKYL HALIDES: NUCLEOPHILIC SUBSTITUTIONS
AND ELIMINATIONS
"Oh no," thought Dan. She already has a boyfriend. I must
substitute myself for him! But how?
And then a light came on in his mind. "I can eliminate him
using an alkyl halide nucleophile!"
..
CHAPTER 30: THE ORGANIC CHEMISTRY OF METABOLIC PATHWAYS
And so, they lived happily ever after on the pathway of love...
-----------------------------------------------------------
1997-06-12 Nattering about Neandertals
Last month's AIRCTI project provoked a large volume of mail.
Investigator Laura Madrigal had proposed "a love story (mating
must occur) between a Neandertal and a Homo sapiens." Such a
project has already been carried out, at least according to the
literature. Here are some comments on the matter:
Investigator Gary Dryfoos, who is one of many correspondents:
"In your next issue, I will certainly be referred to as 'one of
many correspondents' for noting that Ms Madrigal could find her
suggested plot device more than adequately 'fleshed-out'" in one
of those darned Jeanne Auel books: 'Clan of the Cave Bear,' I
think it was. Ms M. says, 'Certainly, a love story (mating must
occur) between a Neandertal and a Homo sapiens would clarify the
issue.' They do. It doesn't."
Investigator Gunther W Anderson:
"It should come as a great relief to the clearly already overtaxed
intellects of the illustrious researchers who comprise the staff
of the AIR that this delicate and complex research has already
been undertaken. As documented in the film "Clan of the Cave
Bear," starring Daryl Hannah as the Homo Sapiens, and presumably
other actors to whom I didn't pay nearly as much attention, a
mating between Homo Neandertalensis and Homo Sapiens did in fact
occur. It's difficult to call the encounter a love story in the
classical sense, but the mating was in fact successful, yielding
offspring. This can be seen as evidence for the regional variant
theory."
-----------------------------------------------------------
1997-06-13 Wombat 2000 Winner
Thanks to a paucity of entries, the winner of the Wombat 2000
essay contest (to answer the question "What is Wombat 2000, and
why?") is Howard Schweber of Cornell University. Here is the
winning essay:
"Wombat 2000, the latest product of the Australian Department of
Defense's Research in Animal Biological Behavior Investigative
Team, is a biologically engineered mammal guaranteed to stay ripe
and retain its flavor for a full sixty days after packaging. With
no known terrestrial predators and a reproductive rate exceeding
that of the average North American cockroach, the Wombat 2000 is
expected to become the sole non-human mammalian life form resident
in the United States by the year 2000. The government of Australia
cannot tell you how sorry they are about that."
The runner-up was Allen Gainsford of New Zealand, who submitted
this thought:
"I should point out that it is nearly impossible to train a wombat
to perch on your shoulder. On the other hand, this tends to make
your shirt stay cleaner longer, so I guess wombats could be seen
as promoters of shirt hygiene."
The winner will receive an autographed, personally smoked cigar
butt from Sheldon Glashow. It was Glashow who first proposed the
essay question. To collect your prize, send a self-addressed,
adequately stamped envelope to: Prof. S. Glashow, Used Cigar
Division, Physics Dept., Harvard University, Cambridge, MA, 02138
USA. Please enclose photocopies (or, if you don't mind answering
to Xerox's lawyers, Xeroxes) of two forms of personal
identification and a letter of reference from a local civic
official.
-----------------------------------------------------------
1997-06-14 Wheeled Wombat
Investigator Kai Kaltenbach unearthed a very different kind of
"Wombat 2000." Kaltenbach describes it as "a 1978 GMC recreational
vehicle, apparently equipped with a machine gun of some kind." The
accouterment in question is a gatling gun. Details can be found at
(http://www.in-motion.net/~jedi017/w2000.htm)
-----------------------------------------------------------
1997-06-15 May We Recommend
Research reports that merit a trip to the library.
(These items are additional to the many, many which appear in the
pages of AIR itself.)
STICK FIGURING
"The relative feeding preference of the walking stick for
hardwoods in the mountainous region of West Arkansas and East
Oklahoma," J.R. Terry, "Environmental Entomology," vol. 1, 1972,
p. 521. (Thanks to Wendy Cooper for bringing this and the next
item to our attention.)
SPECIOUS FASHIONS
"Survival of ring-necked pheasants with backpacks, necklaces and
leg bands," V. Marcstroem, R.E. Kenward, and M. Karlbom, "Journal
of Wildlife Management, vol. 53, no. 3, 1989, pp. 808-10.
HIS MIDDLE NAME ISN'T DANGER
"Risk Handbook," John C. Chicken, International Thomson Business
Press, London, 1996. (Thanks to Peter Coy for bringing this to our
attention.)
------------------------------------------------------------
1997-06-16 AIRhead Events
==> Updates of this schedule are available from info@improb.com
Want to host an event? E-mail to <marca@wilson.harvard.edu>
HMO BLACK PRESS CONFERENCE mid-July (date to be announced)
Press conference to announce the founding of AIR's revolutionary
new managed health care organization.
SEVENTH FIRST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 9
Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go on sale in
August.
ANNUAL IG NOBEL LECTURES Fri, Oct 10
Harvard University. Lectures by Ig Nobel Laureates and other
worthies.
AIR Tour of America October-Dec 1997
Schedule to be announced. If you would like to host an event,
please email <marca@wilson.harvard.edu>
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1997-06-17 How to Subscribe to AIR (*)
Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print
journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not
just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading
here in mini-AIR)
...............................................................
Name:
Address:
Address:
City and State: Zip or postal code:
Country
Phone: FAX: E-mail:
...............................................................
USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39
Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US
Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US
[Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA,
$11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.]
...............................................................
Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or
Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to:
The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)
PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA
617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improb.com
-----------------------------------------------------
1997-06-18 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*)
What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny
version of AIR -- rather, it is overflow from the real magazine.
To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to:
LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU
The body of your message should contain ONLY the words
SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE
(You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.)
----------------------------
To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR
To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR
To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying
which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated
950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706
-----------------------------------------------------
1997-06-19 Our Address (*)
The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)
PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA
617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927
EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu
GENERAL INFO (supplied automatically): info@improb.com
SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com
WORLD WIDE WEB: http://www.improb.com/
We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it.
If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a
SASE in all printed correspondence.
>From time to time AIRhead news reports and commentary appear on
ABC Television's "World News Now" and Public Radio's "Living on
Earth." A monthly column of improbable computer-related items
appears on the back page of Byte magazine.
ELSEWHERE ON THE NET:
* USENET:
a weekly column appears in clari.tw.columns.imprb_research
---------------------------
1997-06-20 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*)
Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever
appropriate. The only limitations are:
A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR.
B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes.
------------------------------------------------------------
(c) copyright 1997, The Annals of Improbable Research
------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
mini-AIRheads
-------------
EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu)
MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last
few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson <editor@sirius.com>
WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin
(ringo@leland.stanford.edu) http://www.improb.com/
COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu)
ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne
CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Craig Haggart, Deb Kreuze, Nicki
Sorel
MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto
AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon
Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts
============================================================
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