-------------------------------------------------------------------------- This file has been provided by "The Annals of Improbable Research" and is the responsibility of that organization. All questions regarding this material should be sent directly to their indicated addresses below, not to Vortex Technology. Thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ================================================================ The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1995-08 August, 1995 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1995-08-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1995-08-01 Table of Contents 1995-08-02 Micromini Housekeeping Notes 1995-08-03 Alluring Abstracts from AIR 1:5 1995-08-04 Limericks Up the Wazoo 1995-08-05 Mop Research 1995-08-06 Annals of Scientific Education 1995-08-07 Ultra Slim-Fast vs. Science Teachers 1995-08-08 Ig Ceremony: Calling All Delegations; Live TV? 1995-08-09 AIRhead Project 2000: preliminary results 1995-08-10 May We Recommend... 1995-08-11 AIRhead Events 1995-08-12 What is AIR? (*) 1995-08-13 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) 1995-08-14 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) 1995-08-15 Our Address (*) 1995-08-16 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995-08-02 Micromini Housekeeping Notes 1. The 1995 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony will be held at Harvard University on the evening of Friday, October 6 (see section 1995- 08-08 below). 2. Hot AIR, our trendoid home page has received a "Top 5% of the Web" badge by Point Survey. Hot AIR also has a new URL: //www.improb.com/ Beginning soon (as soon as our webmaster settles into her new digs in California), Hot AIR will be undergoing continous and annoying reconstruction, utilizing the latest in titanium-reinforced concrete virtual design, whatever that means. We will be beefing up (and grooming down) the Gallery of Bearded Men. A new section devoted to the Ig Nobel Prizes will be unleashed, after we finish leashing it. Significant portions of the Project 2000 archives, the Science Limerick Project, Project Um, etc., will be placed on display. 3. We apologize for cluttering your mailbox with a mysterious missive. Our new list server was rambunctious last week. It flung to the world a reply we sent to a reader's inquiry about an AIRhead event at Frostburg State University, an event that is being coordinated by the now-famous Cab Vinton. Fan letters for Mr. Vinton should be sent directly to him, not to us. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995-08-03 Alluring Abstracts from AIR 1:5 AIR is a subversively educational print journal. The articles in AIR are longer, more visual, and more xeroxible than the tiny tidbits we publish in mini-AIR. Below are summaries of a few randomly selected articles from vol. 1, no. 5, the September/October 1995 issue. This is a special Pediatrics issue. "The Palliative Effects of Osculation on the Prognosis of Pediatric Wounds," by G. L. Hansen. It is common practice among parents, when a child receives a mild injury, to apply osculatory pressure (i.e., a kiss) to "make it better." This report evaluates the medical effectiveness of this form of treatment. [With photo and four charts.] "A Solution to the Half-Empty / Half-Full Problem," by Tim Stoughton. The classical problem of whether a glass is half-empty or half-full has plagued scientists for as long as there have been glasses. At last, an elegant, simple solution has been obtained. [With two photos.] Nobel Interview: Richard Roberts. Roberts, who has a 1993 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine, explains how phonies and fatheads (there is a distinction between the two) have affected his education and his career. [With photo.] "Timely Cortisone Administration for Auto Accident Trauma," by H. Schmelzeisen, R. Mahrlein, and P. Verheyden. Cortisone treatment in severe cerebral and spinal trauma is useful only when applied as early as possible. The authors have constucted a device that can be installed in automobiles. Triggered by airbag inflation during a crash, it automatically injects cortisone throught the upper quadrant of the glutaeus medius muscle of the driver. [With photo, and an artist's rendition of the device in action.] These full articles, and much more, are published in AIR. We invite you to subscribe and become an official AIRhead. =============== 1995-08-04 Limericks Up the Wazoo In the July issue of mini-AIR, we announced a new research project: The AIRhead Science Limerick Compendium. To our eternal peril, it has elicited a sea of five-line fragments. Here are some of them: A violation of Sir Isaac was found By Megan hurtling fast toward the ground. She's not in smithereens Because on trampolines What goes down, must go up, then go down. --Kevin Ahern [Here is a limerick about I paper I submitted to "Physics Review E" entitled "Novel soliton solutions in Rowland ghost gaps:"] In a periodic grating structure, I claim Rowland ghosts should occur, They have wriggles and bumps, And travel over humps, But the reviewer has yet to concur. --Neil B. [My astronomy PhD thesis in limerick form:] High-velocity clouds are found, In disk galaxies to abound. And although superbubbles, Have given great troubles, The fountain model is sound. --Eric Schulman A biology prof name of Caster Had a project she knew would outlast her, For it was most complex, Aimed at changing the sex Of drosophila melanogaster. --Don Homuth Please submit your AIRhead limericks to BOURBAKI@NEU.EDU New limericks (if such things exist) only, please. --------------------------------------------- 1995-08-05 Mop Research We are gathering data for a massive international analysis of mops. Data must be from reliable official sources. Please mail all data to AIR or e-mail to BOURBAKI@NEU.EDU Data should be submitted in this format: NAME: "Ultra Car Mop" MANUFACTURER: Ontel Products, Fairfield, New Jersey SPECIAL LOW PRICE: (US) $9.95 LIMIT PER HOUSEHOLD: 2 SALIENT CHARACTERISTICS: 1. Washes car in minutes 2. Soft non-abrasive material 2. Keeps hands clean, dry & chemical-free 3. Heavy duty, durable material 4. Dozens of little fingers 5. Soft yet durable fingers 5. Gently cleans super fast 6. Can achieve professional results SOURCE OF THIS DATA: newspaper advertising insert TECHNICAL LITERATURE CONTAINS PHRASE "AND THAT'S NOT ALL": Yes ---------------------------------------------- 1995-08-06 Annals of Scientific Education [This quasi-regular feature is a forum for those whimsical stories that detail the life of the mind, and that are experienced all too often by educators (formerly known as teachers). Contributions are welcome, but they should be (mostly) true.] "Plagiarism is an Impossibility" by Prof. Rebecca German, Biology Dept., University of Cincinnati At a major university (is there any other kind?), students were asked to complete a writing assignment. This was to be an exercise in "critical thinking." Unfortunately, several students handed in essays that represented various degrees of intellectual dishonesty. These ranged from essays that were identical (except for the author's names) to essays with the same sentences rearranged. One pair of students, who turned in essays that were remarkably similar, filed a grievance against the professors who accused them of cheating. In a hearing before the grievance committee, it bacame clear that one of the students ahd written the essay and given it to the other. The student who admitted to copying her friend's essay did not believe that she had done anything wrong. She told the committee that, despite the identical sentences, in the two essays, she had only "looked" at the original. Finally, exasperated when the committee did not accept her story at face value, she stood up and said, "I only have to answer to two people: me and my God, and we both know I am right." One professor was heard to mutter under his breath, "what a shame only one of them is in the room to testify right now." ------------------------------------------------ 1995-08-07 Ultra Slim-Fast vs. Science Teachers [This analysis was performed by Robert L. Park of the American Physical Society (APS), building on original research performed by televiewing investigator Tatiana Divens. It appeared in the APS newsletter WHAT'S NEW.] It is arguably the most offensive characterization of a scientist since Dr. Strangelove, and it takes just 30 seconds. The scene is a faculty lounge. Fat-assed substitute teacher hyperventilates over ravishing female in revealing knit dress. In what passes for science-speak on the tube, she is explaining how Ultra Slim-Fast does whatever it is they claim it does. "Boy," lardo exclaims admiringly, "you science teachers know everything." As jugs wiggles out of the room she turns and purrs, "I'm Phys-Ed, he's Science," pointing to a revolting imbecile with a bad complexion, huge spectacles, plastic pocket liner, oversized-bow tie and a bulging Adam's-apple. In this politically-correct era, scientists may be the only group left that advertisers can safely ridicule. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1995-08-08 Ig Ceremony: Calling All Delegations, Live TV? The 1995 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony will be held at Harvard University on the evening of Friday, October 6, with Nobel Laureates Herschbach, Glashow, Roberts, Lipscomb et al participating. Several of the new winners will be present to celebrate their spectacular achievements Tickets must be purchased in advance. NO TICKETS WILL BE AVAILABLE AT THE CEREMONY. DELEGATIONS: We are now accepting applications from potential Official Audience Delegations -- all delegation applications must be received by September 15. Details are available from the Grand High Panjandrums of the Delegations: Margaret Ann Gray mag@mit.edu 617-253-0217 Dee Dow Chase deedc@mit.edu 617-253-5543 INDIVIDUAL TICKETS: Individual tickets will go on sale in mid- September (and not before!). Details will be announced in the September mini-AIR. FUNDING FOR THE IG: We are seeking donations from heeled and well-heeled individuals and corporations to help cover the costs of programs, equipment, props, costumes and such for the ceremony. If you include a self-addressed stamped envelope with your donation, we will send you an attractive FIG (Friend of the Ig) certificate. Any checks for the Ig should be made payable to "AIR." One person will be chosen at random to receive a free admission ticket to the ceremony and a fleeting yet glorious moment on stage; no donation is necessary to be eligible for this random honor. [We are pleased to hear that donations some of you made last spring, which went temporarily astray to a third party, have now been returned to you.] LIVE TV?: We are hoping to television the ceremony live over the Internet on MBONE. If the proper connections are in place, we will announce details in the September mini-AIR. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1995-08-09 Project AIRhead 2000 (aka AIRhead Project 2000) As announced in mini-AIR 1994-02-03 (June, 1994), we are compiling a list of studies, projects, and products that involve the number two thousand. The following items were randomly selected: ITEM 477 (submitted by investigator Bob Bumpus) "Astro Creep:2000," a CD by the rock band White Zombie. ITEM 90-C (submitted by investigator David Dodge) "Trails 2000," the Bureau of Land Management's program to have each state identify and implement mountain biking trails. COLLECTION DRYDEN-801 (submitted by investigator Martyn Dryden) "Conservative 2000," a right-wing UK think-tank headed by John Redwood. "Roedean 2000," a fund-raising campaign on behalf of the English girls' public (that is, private) school. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1995-08-10 May We Recommend... Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to those which appear in AIR itself.) "Ear preference in telephone listening," J. Seeman and W. Surwillo, "Perceptual and Motor Skills," vol. 65, 1987, pp. 803-9. "Do gastroenterologists themselves follow the American Cancer Society recommendations for colorectal cancer screening?" "The American Journal of Gastroenterology," 1994, vol. 89, no. 12, pp. 2184-7. It reads in part: "Currently, the ACS recommends a yearly digital rectal exam for persons age 40 and over and yearly fecal occult blood test and flexible proctosigmoidoscopy every 3 to 5 years for persons age 50 and over... Though about two-thirds of gastroenterologists felt the ACS guidelines were adequate, only 38% strictly followed them themselves. Lack of time, inconvenience, and procrastination were the common reasons." (Thanks to Joanne Silberner for bringing this to our attention.) "The use of a foam anesthesia donut for the positioning of a patient in the barber chair position", M.L Dvorkin and W. Bradley, "Orthopedics," 1995, vol.18, no.3, pp.277-278. (Thanks to Philip Miller Tate for bringing this to our attention.) ----------------------------------------------------------- 1995-08-11 AIRhead Events [The most current version of this list can always be obtained by sending e-mail to INFO@IMPROB.COM] 1995 IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY, Harvard University Fri, Oct 6, 7:30 The ceremony is co-sponsored by the Harvard Computer Society and by Tangents, the Harvard-Radcliffe mathematical bulletin. It will be recorded for later broadcast on NPR's "Talk of the Nation/Science Friday" program. Tickets must be purchased in advance. INTERSOCIETY POLYMER CONFERENCE Tues, Oct 10 Keynote address / improbable research seminar / slide show. Stouffer Harborplace Hotel, Baltimore, MD Info: (518) 387-7942 FROSTBURG STATE (Maryland) Thurs,October 19 Seminar/slide show on "Advances in Improbable Research." Info: Cab Vinton D2LBVIN@FRA00.FSU.UMD.EDU [Anyone wishing to host AIRhead events elsewhere in the GREATER PITTBURGH AREA that week please contact us.] FOLIO CONFERENCE, Hilton Hotel, New York City Thurs, Oct 26 AIRhead lecture/slide show for magazine editors and publishers on the topic "Camshafts, Beer, and Cindy Crawford: How to Make a Dull Topic Irresistable." Info: John Nelson, American Society of Business Press Editors, 708-889-4141 MIT ALUMNI CLUB, Albany New York Thursday evening, Dec 14 INFO: Wendy Gilman:518-443-5168 or 518-270-1882 GILMANW@CA.SUNYCENTRAL.EDU AIRHEADS ON TV: From time to time, AIR's editor and authors present AIRhead science reports on ABC's World News Now. Call local ABC-TV affiliate for dates and times. *** (1) If you would like to host an improbable research seminar / slide show please get in touch with us. (2) If you would like to have at least one non-dozing session at your next convention, invite an AIRhead to come liven things up. --------------------------------------------------------------- 1995-08-12 WHAT IS AIR? (*) The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) is a splendidly subversive science humor magazine produced by the founders and entire former editorial staff (1955-1994) of "The Journal of Irreproducible Results" and by other research scientists and other AIRheads from around the world. AIR's co-founders are Marc Abrahams, who edited the Journal from 1990-1994, and Alexander Kohn, who co-founded the Journal in 1955 and was its editor until 1989. The editorial board consists of more than 40 distinguished scientists from around the world, including seven Nobel Laureates and a convicted felon. Each October, AIR produces the Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, honoring people whose achievements "cannot or should not be reproduced." [IMPORTANT -- AIR is IN NO WAY associated with the name "The Journal of Irreproducible Results" or with its publisher.] -------------------------------------- 1995-08-13 How to Subscribe to AIR(*) Amaze your colleagues. Delight your friends. Impress yourself. Subscribe to The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)! Put more AIR in the lab, the classroom, the office, the waiting room, the library, the living room, the restroom, ...the detention center. And it makes a lovely gift of the most unexpected kind. 6 issues per year. Highly enriched, yet contains no cholesterol. ============================================== Rates (in US dollars) USA 1 year - $19.95 2 years - $34.95 Canada/Mexico 1 year - $27 2 years - $45 Overseas 1 year - $40 2 years - $70 Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover cards) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX: 617-661-0927 air@improb.com --------------------------- 1995-08-14 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc.(*) mini-AIR is an monthly electronic newsletter of overflow tidbits from The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). It is available over the Internet, free of charge. To subscribe, send a brief E- mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) --------------------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706 ::::: AIR extracts on USENET The USENET newsgroup clari.feature.imprb_research presents a syndicated weekly column of reports extracted from The Annals of Improbable Research. [NOTE: This is available only if your Internet site subscribes to the Clarinet newsgroups.] --------------------------- 1995-08-15 Our Address The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853 Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu GENERAL INFO (supplied automatically): info@improb.com SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com URL: //www.improb.com/ We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. IF you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a SASE in all printed correspondence. --------------------------- 1995-08-16 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) er appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1995, The Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@mit.edu) COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITORS: Mark Dionne, Jane Patrick CO-CONSPIRATORS: Nicki Sorel, Gary Dryfoos MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow & William Lipscomb ============================================================