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Thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ================================================================ The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1997-05 May, 1997 ISSN 1076-500X Key words: improbable research, science humor, Ig Nobel, AIR, the ---------------------------------------------------------------- A free newsletter of tidbits too tiny to fit in The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR), the journal of inflated research and personalities ================================================================ ----------------------------- 1997-05-01 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1997-05-01 Table of Contents 1997-05-02 mini-Houskeeping Notes 1997-05-03 What's New in AIR 1997-05-04 The Power of Words 1997-05-05 Scientific Correctness: Cosmic Kidnapping Results 1997-05-06 Interlingual Universal History Update: More, More 1997-05-07 Equilibrial Punctuation 1997-05-08 HMO Black Kickoff? 1997-05-09 Fink Truss 1997-05-10 Re-Reengineering 1997-05-11 Mr. Universal Axis Contest Results 1997-05-12 Blade of the Past, Blade of the Future 1997-05-13 Love Amidst the Textbooks: Neandertalia 1997-05-14 Chair Enhancement Prize: Electrical Engineering 1997-05-15 AIRhead Project 2000 1997-05-16 Quark 2000 -- the Toast of Italy 1997-05-17 Wombat 2000 Essay Contest 1997-05-18 May We Recommend 1997-05-19 AIRhead Events 1997-05-20 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) 1997-05-21 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) 1997-05-22 Our Address (*) 1997-05-23 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Items marked (*) are reprinted in every issue. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-02 mini-Housekeeping Notes 1. You may have noticed that HotAIR, our home page (www.improb.com) has been down a lot lately. That's because HotAIR's Internet Service Provider (ISP) has been down a lot lately. We are now searching for an ISP that is up a lot. If you have a recommendation, we'd appreciate hearing from you. No spammers or scammers, please. 2. As mentioned last month, we are organizing the AIR TOUR OF NORTH AMERICA (for this October, November and December) Quite a few events are tentatively scheduled. If you would like to host an event please get in touch with us at 3. We are always looking for good organizers to help with the Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony. Want to help? Please drop us a line. And if your company wants to help sponsor the ceremony, do get in touch. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-03 What's New in AIR Here are some alluring abstracts from the next issue of The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR). Volume 3, number 3 (the May/June 97 issue) of AIR is the special Managed Health Care Issue, featuring a detailed description of HMO Black, the centerpiece of our soon-to-be-ongoing campaign for and against managed health care. Other features in the issue include: "Managed Health Care: An AIR Editorial," by Levering O. Bisumuth, MD, and Althea Mortis, MBA. "...studies show that, whether treated or not, ailments always go away.... Henceforth, let us always boldly act on the first law of New Medicine: 'First do nothing.'" "Maternal Spray Bonding," by Christina Linux. A photo-based appreciation of the acclaimed psychological mother-child bonding technique. "...mother supplies baby with milk, and baby, in turn, sprays mother with fluids. These fluids contain certain pheromones and other chemicals that help mother recognize baby...." "A Lousy Tale," by Wendy Cooper. In this epic poem, the author recounts her shockingly intimate personal acquaintance with a wide range of parasites. Accompanied by lavish, graphic illustrations. "Pen Fired by Cross-Bow Doesn't Kill," by Herbert Blankesteijn. A report on one of the most curious court cases of recent times, one that is more fascinating in its way than the lamented O.J. Simpson murder trial. Scientists took on the question: is it possible to murder one's mother by using a cross-bow to fire a ball-point pen into her skull? "Foul is fAIR," by Leonard X. Finegold. This new column gives advice on how to cheat at research. Examples are drawn from the scientific literature. "Ask Symmetra," by scientist/supermodel Symmetra. In this edition of her column, Symmetra applies higher mathematics to the problem of a decaying relationship. And much, much more... Full text and illustrations of these and many other articles and citations appear in the May/June issue of AIR. [mini-AIR, which you are reading at this moment, is a tiny *supplement* to what's in the print publication. As always, we urge you to subscribe to the real thing -- and to submit your own research and images for publication.] ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-04 The Power of Words Scientists often use familiar situations to explain complex scientific issues. Investigator Larry Yates, a connoisseur of fine prose, spotted the following description in a recent issue of the "Washington Post." The article was headlined "Scientists Find Antimatter Fountain Gushing From Center of Milky Way": "It is like finding a new room in the house we have lived in since childhood," said Charles Dermer of the Naval Research Laboratory in Washington, a researcher from one of five collaborating institutions that discovered the fountain. "And the room is not empty. It has some engine or boiler making hot gas filled with annihilating antimatter." ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-05 Scientific Correctness: Cosmic Kidnapping Results Last month our ongoing Scientific Correctness Survey posed the question: Are citizens of earth being kidnapped by aliens from outer space? Here are the survey results, as summarized by invetigator N. Bourbaki. FOR AND AGAINST: 33% of the voters affirmed that citizens of the Earth ARE being kidnapped by aliens from outer space, while 37% denied the possibility. The remaining respondents were concerned with a number of peripheral issues. These included: "the meaning of the word kidnapping"; "the meaning of the word alien"; and "Lyle Lovett" One respondent suggested that a better term than "kidnapping" would be "poaching." Another preferred the phrase "unsolicited biological experimentation aboard a mobile facility." The legal and economic ramifications of alien abduction also were of concern to many people (more on that another time, perhaps). JUSTIFIED ALIENS: A number of voters felt the aliens are completely justified in their endeavors because the United States government has been incarcerating and experimenting on aliens for years. (No other governments were credited with comparable undertakings, no pun intended.) One voter placed the blame for all kidnappings on the shoulders of a particular Harvard faculty member, while a second blamed the Swedish secret service. Two home pages were mentioned, neither of which we checked out: www.mk.net/~mcf/lammer1.htm and www.mk.net/~mcf/handout.htm WHO'S GOING: A number of voters raised the question of WHO is being abducted. The significance of the "alarming frequency with which they are being sent back" was also raised. Several voters said that people were being kidnapped "not in adequate quantities." If you would like to suggest that some specific person be abducted, please send the name to . We will try to arrange travel discounts provided that a Saturday night stay is included. THE EDUCATION QUESTION: Our supplemental question asked: "Should we require that schoolchildren be taught to protect themselves against extraterrestrial abductors?" 28% of the respondents said yes and 35% said no. (Why a whopping 37% don't care is anyone's guess.) Of the 37% who denied that abductions occur, a full 40% still felt that children should be educated to handle such an event. Two different respondents (whom we assume do not know each other) compared this learning experience to their own experiences as schoolchildren when they were taught what to do in case of an atomic bomb explosion. THE EDUCATION ANSWER: Of the 33% who voted that alien abduction does occur, only 30% felt that school children should be tught appropriate defensive tactics. This was explained by one reader who, realizing that "any such aliens possess superior scientific knowledge" and are "clearly performing experiments to advance scientific understanding", concludes that any attempt to educate the children "would tend to invalidate the experimental results and should be discouraged." Alternate justifications for not educating our children were: "Once captured, there is a finite chance that the aliens might keep them"; "Let's bring back naked Darwinism"; and "it just might raise SAT scores." One correspondent simply felt our teachers are not up to the job. THE ESSENTIAL THING: Finally, one correspondent specified what the children *should* be taught -- namely, to "recognize the difference between a Grey and a Ross Perot." ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-06 Interlingual Universal History Update: More, More History truly is an international passion. "The History of the Universe in 200 Words or Less" (AIR Jan/Feb 1997) has now been translated into Czech, Dutch, French, Galego, German, Portuguese, and Spanish. There are preliminary versions of Irish, Italian, and Turkish, and Universal History Translation Project (UHTP) researchers around the world have volunteered to translate it into Afrikaans, American Sign Language, Arabic, Austrian, Catalan, Danish, Hungarian, Latin, Slovenian, and Urdu. The UHTP homepage can be found at http://www.cv.nrao.edu/~eschulma/histcom.html If you would like to translate the article into other languages, please contact Eric Schulman . ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-07 Equilibrial Punctuation We have received the following complaint: Reading the April Mini-AIR, I saw the bit about using it for wordprocessing exercises. However, I've noticed that you only put one space after a period (or as the English say, a full stop). Anyone who studied typing in school knows that you put two spaces after a period in order to improve legibility. Unfortunately, most people who now use word processors have never studied typing!! Regards David Singmaster Professor of Mathematics and Metagrobologist School of Computing, Information Systems and Mathematics Southbank University, London ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-08 HMO Black Kickoff? Any day now, yes any day now -- probably in early June -- we will have a special press conference to mark the founding of HMO Black, our new Health Maintenance Organization. If you are a big shot medico in the Boston area and wish to be part of the hoopla, get in touch pronto. (Press contact: ) Now, if we can get everyone's schedules into alignment, HMO Black will be off an running, thence to dominate, absolutely dominate, the managed health care landscape. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-09 Fink Truss This is International Fink Truss Day. Hoorah. A fink truss is a symmetrical roof truss for large spans, composed of a pair of braced isosceles triangles based on the sloping sides of the upper chord, their apices being joined by a horizontal tie. We urge you to support your local fink truss. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-10 Re-Reengineering This is also International Re-Reengineering day. Yippee. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-11 Mr. Universal Axis Contest Results The results are in for our Mr. Universal Axis contest. The contest asked you to nominate "the individual(s) around whom the universe truly does revolve." Contest director Rachel Regnad-Kcin has issued the following report: Needless to say, everybody has her or his own personal Universal Axis -- which makes it all the more remarkable to report that 30% of the respondents named Bill Gates. Every other named Universal Axis received exactly one vote. One wonders how this new information will effect the odds on Bill Gates being the anti- Christ [those odds were reported by the Ig Nobel Prize Committee several years ago, in connection with the work of Ig Nobel laureate mathematics Robert Faid, who claimed to have calculated the exact odds that Mikhail Gorbechev is the anti-Christ]. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-12 Blade of the Past, Blade of the Future Last month our "unusual unit" report featured the 'Gillette,' which was used to express the power of a laser in terms of the number of razor-blades that could be punctured by the radiation from such a device. Investigator Marc Ressler supplies further information on the subject: I too remember the "Gillette" unit of measure in the early days of lasers. In a sort of reverse application of the nomenclature, it is interesting to note that the new twin-blade Gillette Sensor cartridges are made with "custom-designed laser welders". On a related note, one has to wonder about a company named "Laser Precision Analytical," which is located in Irvine, California. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-13 Love Amidst the Textbooks: Neandertalia Several overheated parties sent suggestions for the AIR Campaign for Textbook Improvement ("AIRCTI -- pronounced "AIR kitty"). AIRCTI aims to warm the cold, emotionless textbooks of today by adding to each a love interest. Here is proposal from investigator Lorena Madrigal: Biological anthropology textbooks are in great need of some love or lust or both as a tool to test whether Neandertals were member of our own species. Neandertals (with their distinct morphology) have been considered by some authors as members of a different species, and by others as members of our own, simply a regional variant. Certainly, a love story (mating must occur) between a Neandertal and a Homo sapiens would clarify the issue. ---------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-14 Chair Enhancement Prize: Electrical Engineering This month's Chair Enhancement Prize Program is focused on the field of: ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING. The campaign supplies department chairmen/women/generic-individuals with highly desirable cheapo Prizes which they can bestow on especially honor-worthy faculty, students, or others. The program is simple: You send us the name and departmental mailing address of your deserving biology department's chair, and we will send her/him a copy of AIR suitable for presentation to somebody or other. ------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-15 AIRhead Project 2000 Since June, 1994, we have been compiling a list of everything that has 2000 as part of its name. Here are some items plucked randomly from the collection: ITEM #3066-G (Submitted by investigator Elizabeth Palmberg) COMMUNICATIONS 2000, a long distance services store located at 21 Kilburn High Road, London. Investigator Palmberg informs us that "the display window is full of brightly colored notices of the price, in pence per minute, to call various countries. Storefronts like this are common in London on account of how British Telecom charges ludicrously high rates." ITEM BURNINLEAVES-856490 (submitted by investigator Ali Buke) TEKEL 2000, a brand of Turkish cigarette. There is a Tekel web site at http://www.medyatext.com/tekel/index.html ITEM P-33393 (submitted by investigator Tashfeen Ahmad) PIZZA2000, a pizza parlour in Karachi, Pakistan. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-16 Quark 2000 -- the Toast of Italy Investigator Paolo Falco writes: I read in "D", the "La Repubblica" supplement on Tuesdays, that until the 9th of may in Rome, in "palazzo esposizioni", you could visit "Quark 2000", a "big window on fundamental, nuclear and subnuclear physics." The exhibition was organized by the municipality of Rome together with the INFN (National Institute of Nuclear Physics). How sad. ----------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-17 Wombat 2000 Essay Contest Investigator and Nobel Laureate Sheldon Glashow writes to inquire why there is nothing called "Wombat 2000." From this humble question arises our Wombat 2000 Essay Contest. Entries must be 50 words or less. The question is: What is Wombat 2000, and why? Investigator G also poses an extra-credit Wombat Pop Quiz: Why does the wombat make an ideal pet? Is it because: a) wombats are extinct? b) wombats are not extinct? c) wombats are no longer extinct? d) nobody else has one? e) wombats run slowly and can't escape? f) wombats never urinate and have furry mouths? g) no one wants a boybat? h) some other reason (please do not specify) The winner will be chosen randomly if at all, and will receive an autographed, personally smoked cigar butt from Glashow. Please send all contest entries to ----------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-18 May We Recommend Research reports that merit a trip to the library. (These items are additional to the many, many which appear in the pages of AIR itself.) CHEESE WITH A BITE "Behavioural and electrophysiological responses of the female malaria mosquito Anopheles gambiae (Diptera: Culicidae) to Limburger cheese volatiles," "Bulletin of Entomological Research," B.G.J. Knols, J.J.A. van Loon, A. Cork, R.D. Robinson, et al., vol. 87, 1997, pp. 151-159. Thanks to Jack Leunissen for bringing this to our attention. Leunissen reports that, "This article is very interesting (for me as a native Limburger, and lover of the cheese) in that the authors use Limburger cheese and its volatile extracts as an analogon for human foot odour, as they had concluded in a previous paper that A. gambiae attacked by preference at feet and ankles of a naked human volunteer." BARS AND STARS -- A MATTER OF INFLUENCE "The Influence of Bars on Nuclear Activity," Luis C. Ho, Alexei V. Filippenko, Wallace L. W. Sargent, to appear in "Astrophysical Journal." The preprint is available at http://xxx.lanl.gov/archive/astro-ph/ (Thanks to Bob Zimmerman for bringing this to our attention.) The authors report that: "The presence of a bar seems to have no noticeable impact on the likelihood of a galaxy to host either nuclear star formation or an active galactic nuclei." SENSE AND SENSIBILITY "Effects of body weight on taste of male and female rats," B.S. Roo, "Indian Journal of Pharmacology," vol. 28, no. 1, 1984, pp. 53-7. (Thanks to investigator Wendy Cooper for bringing this to our attention.) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1997-05-19 AIRhead Events ==> Updates of this schedule are available from info@improb.com Want to host an event? E-mail to WHITEHEAD INSTITUTE, MIT, Cambridge, MA Mon, June 2, 4-5 pm Lecture/slide show on Improbable Research. This is part of a special Whitehead Institute outreach program for high school teachers. If you are a high school teacher and would like more info about the day's full list of events, call 617-258-5183. HMO BLACK PRESS CONFERENCE early June (date to be announced) Press conference to announce the founding of AIR's revolutionary new managed health care organization. SEVENTH FIRST ANNUAL IG NOBEL PRIZE CEREMONY Thurs, Oct 9 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University. Tickets will go on sale in August. ANNUAL IG NOBEL LECTURES Fri, Oct 10 Harvard University. Lectures by Ig Nobel Laureates and other worthies. AIR Tour of America October-Dec 1997 Schedule to be announced. If you would like to host an event, please email ---------------------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-20 How to Subscribe to AIR (*) Here's how to subscribe to the magnificent bi-monthly print journal The Annals of Improbable Research -- (the real thing, not just the little bits of overflow material you have been reading here in mini-AIR) ............................................................... Name: Address: Address: City and State: Zip or postal code: Country Phone: FAX: E-mail: ............................................................... USA 1 year/$23 2 years/$39 Canada/Mexico 1 year/$27 US 2 years/$45 US Overseas 1 year/$40 US 2 years/$70 US [Copies of back issues are each $8 in the USA, $11 in Canada/Mexico, $16 overseas.] ............................................................... Send payment (US bank check, or international money order, or Visa, Mastercard or Discover info) to: The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 air@improb.com ----------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-21 How to Receive mini-AIR, etc. (*) What you are reading right now is mini-AIR. It is NOT a tiny version of AIR -- rather, it is overflow from the real magazine. To subscribe, send a brief E-mail message to: LISTPROC@AIR.HARVARD.EDU The body of your message should contain ONLY the words SUBSCRIBE MINI-AIR MARIE CURIE (You may substitute your own name for that of Madame Curie.) ---------------------------- To stop subscribing, send the following message: SIGNOFF MINI-AIR To obtain a list of back issues, send this message: INDEX MINI-AIR To retrieve a particular back issue, send a message specifying which issue you want. For example, to retrieve the issue dated 950706, send this message: GET MINI-AIR MINI-AIR.950706 ----------------------------------------------------- 1997-05-22 Our Address (*) The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA 617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927 EDITORIAL: marca@wilson.harvard.edu GENERAL INFO (supplied automatically): info@improb.com SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improb.com WORLD WIDE WEB: http://www.improb.com/ We read everything we receive, but are unable to answer all of it. If you need a reply, please include your Internet address and/or a SASE in all printed correspondence. >From time to time AIRhead news reports and commentary appear on ABC Television's "World News Now" and Public Radio's "Living on Earth." A monthly column of improbable computer-related items appears on the back page of Byte magazine. ELSEWHERE ON THE NET: * USENET: a weekly column appears in clari.tw.columns.imprb_research --------------------------- 1997-05-23 Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*) Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever appropriate. The only limitations are: A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR. B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes. ------------------------------------------------------------ (c) copyright 1997, The Annals of Improbable Research ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------- mini-AIRheads ------------- EDITOR: Marc Abrahams (marca@wilson.harvard.edu) MINI-PROOFREADER AND PICKER OF NITS (before we introduce the last few at the last moment): Wendy Mattson WWW EDITOR/GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT: Amy Gorin (ringo@leland.stanford.edu) http://www.improb.com/ COMMUTATIVE EDITOR: Stanley Eigen (eigen@neu.edu) ASSOCIATIVE EDITOR: Mark Dionne CO-CONSPIRATORS: Gary Dryfoos, Craig Haggart, Deb Kreuze, Nicki Sorel MAITRE DE COMPUTATION: Jerry Lotto AUTHORITY FIGURES: Nobel Laureates Dudley Herschbach, Sheldon Glashow, William Lipscomb, Richard Roberts ============================================================