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"How the Harrinch Stole the Election"

(With respects to Theodor Seuss Geisel)

November 17, 2000

Satire by
Lauren Weinstein


With excitement and glee,
and the singing of song,
the election had come,
but still something was wrong.

High up on Mt. Tallpet,
the Harrinch was upset,
"This hasn't worked out as we'd planned, no not yet."

She paced 'round her office,
her chin in her hand.
"There's something here that I just don't understand.
We had it all figured,
the two Govs and me.
We figured that Florville would be so easy."

"Those goofs down in Florville are just off the boat.
We shouldn't have even allowed them to vote.
And now with these recounts by hand I do fear,
we might actually lose and there goes my career."

She puzzled and puzzled to see what she could do.
And suddenly her face glowed, "I have it, times two!
They only can recount if the ballots are there.
I'll fix that in a jiffy, their counting rooms bare!"

And then with a squeal of unrestrained glee,
she ran down to her sled,
"Now those goofs will all see!"
And before you could say "bush-league,"
she was forging away,
racing fast down Mt. Tallpet,
in a cloud of snow spray.

By midnight she sat outside Florville HQ,
"Now this will be easy, just watch what I do!"
And she crept inside quietly and what did she see?
The ballots all ready to count, 1-2-3!

She chuckled and chortled and said, "This is rich.
I'll teach them that fairness is just a fool's wish."
And she bundled the ballots up snug in her bag,
and she left in their place a small mountain of chad.

"Now we can't help but win,"
she thought out through the door.
"With a little luck soon, I'll be ambassador!"

And she went back up Mt. Tallpet,
and plopped the bag down,
in front of her fireplace.
with a big sloshing sound.

"Now I have but to wait,"
the Harrinch said with a smile.
"So I'll take a look down,
and observe for awhile."

And she pulled out her spyglass,
and looked downhill low.
But what she then saw,
caused her smile to go.

The people had not quietly accepted their lot,
protests were all over,
the anger was hot.

"I thought that they'd all give up quietly," she said.
"I'm just a poor lackey,
I must have mis-read."

And as the crowds gathered,
getting bigger and long,
she thought to herself,
"Could I simply be wrong?"

"Would it be better, I wonder,
for all voters to have say?
To let hand counts be counted,
not just thrown away?"

"What's more important to me,
at the end of the day?
That true fairness wins out,
Or that I get my way?"

And she puzzled and puzzled,
and knew what she must do.

"To hell with what's right!"
And she threw the ballots in the flue.

= = = = = =

Lauren Weinstein

For information about the author, please see: http://www.vortex.com/lauren

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