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"Drinking Iraq"

February 17, 2003

Satire by
Lauren Weinstein


With President Bush, Jr. poised for war with Iraq in spite of growing international and U.S. anti-war sentiments, it's surprising that one of the more convincing arguments that could be used to justify attacking Iraq haven't been more openly discussed by the administration.

I recently spoke by phone with a highly placed Air Force general, who clued me in to the real reason that the President is so concerned about Iraq and Saddam Hussein.

"General Ripper, thanks for talking with me today," I said.

"It's my pleasure, Lauren. I'm very busy with planning for the war, but anytime I have a chance to speak to a loyal American about important issues it's an honor for me," said General Ripper.

"You're very gracious, Sir. I understand that you can help me understand why the U.S. is planning for a unilateral attack on Iraq."

"Yes -- the civilian authorities don't really want me talking about it. They're afraid of mass panic. But I think the American people have a right to know."

"Well," I said, "the President tells us it's all about weapons of mass destruction. A lot of people think it's really about oil."

"Forget the oil. The President is right," said General Ripper. "It's about an Iraqi weapon so dangerous, so cunning, that it staggers the imagination."

"What is it? Weaponized disease germs? Nukes?" I asked.

"Hell no, we've probably got more of those obvious mass destruction weapons than anyone else. And lots of nasty countries have stockpiles of them. We manage to keep them all contained without going to war. No, I'm talking about something truly terrifying about Iraq. Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation, Lauren?"


"Yes, fluoridation. An Iraqi plan so monstrously conceived that it staggers the imagination."


"Have you ever seen Saddam Hussein drink water?" asked the General.

"Well, no, I don't think so, but..."

"On no account will Saddam drink water. And not without good reason."

"Well I suppose that may be true, but I don't quite see what you're getting at..."

"Water is the source of all life. Seventy percent of you is water. As human beings, we need fresh, pure water to replenish our precious bodily fluids."

"I'll admit I've never thought much about that," I said.

"Lauren, as we're both sitting chatting so pleasantly, Iraqi operatives and their al-Qaeda allies throughout the U.S. are planning for the secret mass fluoridation of water in all our major cities."

"But I thought most places already fluoridated their water..."

"And then Saddam will move forward with his plans to fluoridate our salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream. Children's ice cream, Lauren, children's ice cream!"

"Uh, thank you General. I'll, uh, let you get back to your war planning. I'm sure the President and Joint Chiefs can't get by very long without you. Knowing that men like you are working with the administration goes a long way towards explaining the White House's Iraq policies," I said.

"We all want peace," said General Ripper, "but we can't be afraid to go to war for peace, and we will prevail against the evil of Iraq in peace and freedom from fear and in true health through the purity and essence of our natural fluids."

"Thank you again, General."

"Thank you, Lauren. Peace on Earth."

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Lauren Weinstein

For information about the author, please see: http://www.vortex.com/lauren

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