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"Global Domination Via Voting Manipulation"

April 16, 2004

Satire by
Lauren Weinstein


Special Executive for Election Manipulation and Encompassing Empire

Quarterly Progress Report (Q2 2004) on Election Manipulation Projects in the United States
(Executive Summary)

Brethren and Associate Brethren:

It is my duty and distinct honor to present you with this executive summary of the forthcoming 2004-2Q CONUS Election Manipulation Report. As you are no doubt aware, this is an exciting time for everyone at SEEMEE, as rapid technological change in voting platforms around the United States (and elsewhere) set the stage for our Global Domination so long a part of the Strategic Plan.

--- Electronic Voting ---

The rapid adoption of technologically primitive and poorly designed electronic voting equipment (mostly so-called "touch-screen" systems) by jurisdictions around the U.S. has far exceeded our most optimistic expectations.

During the most recent election cycle, the SEEMEE Beta Group conducted small-scale test manipulations of such systems around the United States, with nearly 100% success and no recognized exposures. Both unintentional (that is, voting machine software coding errors) and intentional (purposely programmed) vote subversion subsystems were exercised as part of Feasibility Study BJ2.

In all cases, thanks to the lack of voter-usable vote verification systems on the affected units (e.g. paper-receipt systems, etc.) all vote manipulations were either completely undetected, attributed to setup and user errors, or viewed as accidental, undirected, random failures. Despite the directed alteration of over 1.54 million votes nationally in this test phase, SEEMEE operations were totally unrecognized by authorities and voters alike.

We believe that the E-Voting Manipulation Suite (EVMS00JB) is now sufficiently evolved for full-scale deployment, keeping in mind the provisos discussed below.

--- Internet Voting ---

At our last video conference, you were updated on the status of SEEMEE's Internet Voting Manipulation Project Group, now over five years in operation. Demands for Internet voting, fueled by the perceived simplicity of voting from homes and offices on fundamentally insecure personal computers and operating systems, offer immense opportunities for our Voting Manipulation efforts in coming years.

We are pleased to report that as of the most recent tally (SD-3-33-922) over 235 Million computers currently harbor the generic SEEMEE Remote Computer Manipulation Module (SRCMM), having either been downloaded by unsuspecting users as an invisible part of popular Internet applications, or as the secretly installed payload in a variety of widely distributed worms and viruses. The number of appropriated systems continues to rise at an ever-increasing rate.

As you probably know, the SRCMM is designed to be completely quiescent and undetected on infected systems until programmed and activated remotely for particular actions, even years after acquisition. Since the SRCMM provides for total control of computers and systems (disks, memory, displays, keyboards, modems, etc.) it will be configured to invisibly manipulate votes for all new Internet Voting applications as they are developed and installed in advance of upcoming elections. I'm sure you'll agree that this is an arena where the long-term planning skills of the Special Executive will prove to be especially effective.

--- Provisos ---

While the overall trendline in SEEMEE operations has been overwhelmingly positive, there have recently been some small matters of concern arising that may require special ameliorative actions.

We have naturally been heartened that some technologically-misguided voting rights groups have played into our hands by endorsing touch-screen voting but fighting proposals for associated paper receipt or related voter-usable vote verification systems.

However, a shrill and rising chorus of complaints -- opposing most existing e-voting and proposed Internet voting systems -- has been emanating from generally respected members of the Computer Science (CS) community. Despite our disinformation efforts, such arguments have been gaining significant traction.

The SEEMEE Directorate early last year constituted a special study group (MERCURI-SG) to investigate this issue and present recommendations for neutralization of any related threat (however small) to operational plans. Their recently delivered report suggests that if these negative forces in the CS community cannot be sufficiently marginalized through continuing propaganda and associated efforts, extraction and relocation of selected individuals from that community may be required. It was recommended that such relocations, if deemed necessary, be directed to the longstanding isolation environment established decades ago for such miscreates (PUB VLAGE#6). Final decisions regarding such actions will be made at the appropriate time and operational sectors will be informed as appropriate.

- - -

Despite the minor concerns noted above, these are bright times indeed for SEEMEE and our affiliated projects. While there are still a few small bumps in the road to the ultimate goal of Global Domination via Voting Manipulation, your Directorate always assumed that this would be the case.

We will stay the course to ultimate victory!


    "#1" - Maximal Poobah
    Special Executive for Election Manipulation and Encompassing Empire

Note: The information above includes forward-looking statements that involve risks and uncertainties; actual results may differ.

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Lauren Weinstein

For information about the author, please see: http://www.vortex.com/lauren

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